How do you know if he is the right man for you? I have had several conversations over the last two or three weeks with ladies asking me how they should know whether or not their relationship is the right relationship for them, if their man is good for them, if they will ever find the happiness that they want. Now, obviously every relationship is as unique as the individuals involved. I would also like to add here that this is not about bad-mouthing men and saying that men are ‘bad’. This is about asking if this man is right for you and whether or not you are in a relationship that makes you happy and fulfilled. Now my hunch is that if you are in a relationship and you are having to ask if this man is the right man for you, the chances are that he probably isn’t. Now let me just qualify that. All relationships go through ups and downs and all relationships hit hard times. That doesn’t mean that you should give up on it. I don’t believe its as simple as that. But let me ask you: Are you Happy? Do you wake up in the morning feeling Loved and Satisfied? Are you compromising or are you sacrificing? We all have to compromise in relationships. That is the nature of all relationships and arguably, that is the nature of a healthy relationships; that you both make compromises. But are you making all of the compromises or are you sacrificing and if so, what? Are you sacrificing your goals, values, friends, your time with family? Are you sacrificing your independence and your happiness? What does it look like to you? What does your gut tell you about it? Now you might feel like there is a possibility that you’ll be able to change him. We’ve all heard that one before haven’t we! ‘Oh but he’ll change, he’s just going through a tough time at the moment, it’ll get better’. What do you feel is wrong? If there is a substance misuse issue then that’s a pretty big thing to be dealing with. Let’s keep it simple for now and say that alcohol is a key player here. Alcohol in a difficult or volatile relationship is a very common issue. If he changes when he drinks alcohol, you have arguments when he drinks, he drinks too much and doesn’t realise it, you get on really well when he doesn’t drink… the list goes on. Is he willing to change or give it up for the sake of your relationship? Have you had that conversation or do you know already that is a non-starter?
Now it might be that you have both turned into nasty people in this relationship. Maybe you both bring out the worst of eachother, sides of eachother that you don’t like. Let’s remember that nobody is perfect. All relationships are based on two people and there is never just one person to fully blame for a behaviour that you don’t like in a relationship. It might not be 50/50, it might not even be 60/40, but you have a responsibility in that relationship too. Now if you don’t like the person that this relationship is turning you into and he doesn’t like the person that he is turning into, then that’s a pretty good indication to me that things need to change. It might not necessarily be game over, but certainly things need to change. You have a good instinct of what is right for you. If you are reading this now then you are a bright and intelligent woman because, lets face it, most women are and most women have a good gut instinct.
So here is the golden question that I ask everybody who comes to me asking is this relationship is right for them. If your daughter was in this relationship, how would you feel about that? Now I can tell you that every time I ask this question, the response without any doubt is NO. And not ‘hmmmmm, no, not really’… I mean ‘No Way!’. Now if you have a daughter, whatever her age, or a son, no need for gender bias here, were in a relationship like this, would you feel happy? Is this guy a good role model to your son? Is this how you would want her relationship to be? As mothers we have a very strong instinct of hat we want for our children, and so I say to you, if your gut reaction to that question is no or no way, then you don’t need to be asking me if this relationship is right for you. You already know the answer. Sometimes we just need to hear it from somebody else.